working from home

I took a holiday day today. This whole 'research from my sofa' concept is great - I'm loving it, but when I looked back on the last two months, it was clear that I needed a break-day - where I didn't feel guilty AT ALL about just doing what felt good and simple and right all day long.

So I did. Am. Currently.

I finally finished the mei tai for little baby buddha. (Her 1st birthday is in a month, ye gods and goddesses, where has that time gone?)

And now, to the knitting WIP basket, which overfloweth.

I shall not feel guilt for the stack of not-yet-read-articles and

I shall not feel guilt for the unwashed dishes and

I shall not feel guilt for the former dining table now-crafting table and

I shall not feel guilt for the lack of hoovering (do I ever?) and

I shall not feel guilt for not called people or emailing people or any of it,

because it's good to cleanse your palate sometimes.

Glorious messy no-guilt day. Joyous.

Tightrope walking and bonfires

Oh, it's been so long.

I took a break- a much needed break from journaling or blogging or whatever this is -

to return to a life

Out There in the World

and it feels sososo good to be back at it.

The teaching thing, the reading thing, even the meetings thing (in small doses).

The baby is happier for it (lots of fun days with different dates!), the partner is happier for it (less crazy cabin-fever under-brained woman around here) and I feel like I've gotten my feet back under me.

All the same, the really big news around here is that we have a crawling girl on our hands! She's zooming around the house like an overly-keen terrier these days, following us room to room.

Her favourite thing right now is to 'run' around - both hands firmly held, of course. The more you shout 'faster! faster!' the more she laughs and bounces on those tiny feet. So sweet.

This is a precious time, and I'm conscious of it when I look at photos and see how much that red mop of ginger hair has grown just in the last few months. She's becoming her own person more and more these days, and I just love getting to know her. Such joy right now.

still fighting for that balance thing from last time

Okay, it's gotten harder.

A swathe of stress-inducing emails in my inbox, all related to this PhD I'm not even sure I want.

A swathe of whole new schedule issues for next week. Yes, the same week I'd cleared on the calendar for a month and tried to make workable for a month and have had covered for a month. Plan foiled. Spontaneous reactions... not as laser-quick as I would like. Still, laughter is key.

Oh. And a swathe of cold difficult silences on the partner-front because we just can't seem to get ahead on this one big issue. No matter how hard we swim.

Sigh.

I'd remembered Real Life as hard, but this is gonna be harder than I thought.

Here goes.

craving balance

I missed the Autumn Equinox. Which is telling.

It happened, but I missed it, in a day of running around, trying to get the grocery shop done, trying to convince partner that his 'quit' regime was working, trying to meet up with Best Friend who just got back from Canada this weekend... too much running, not enough balance.

In and amongst the manic day, there were moments of sheer bliss - chatting and catching up with Best Friend, baby laughing and clapping all day, lovely sunset over the bay, watching clams on the beach. So it wasn't all manic.

The above photo is from a collection by a local artist, but it's all about finding that stillness right now, which is my goal of the week. Only saying yes to that which heals and moves at the right pace. So right now? Yes to seed bagels with cream cheese, peach yoghurt for baby and some nice slow crafting in the morning. Yes yes yes.

just being here

this weekend, friction on velvety-rub-the-wrong-way fabric

timing all wrong, except when it was ohso right sweet mornings and mussed hair and cuddles

but we have a teenage oyes she is here with a vengeance

and at dinner its all no no

no

no

and its all we can do not to roll our eyes at each other across the table because the trouble is

she's smart enough to notice

and cranky enough to care

and suddenly she's hurt herself on the trampoline (like always)

so he's out the door like a flash of light

like the flash of light that fatherhood is

in all its heroism

because nothing moves faster than a father summoned by a quavering voice

and she's folded in his arms

like she's six, like she's two, like yesterday when I blinked,

folded up and crumpled lips and a tearstreak still glistening and shakey fingered

so we tuck her up cosy cosy cosy in the Big Bed, all warm,

with the ice pack (thank god for those when children always hurt themselves on tramolines)

and the old photos from the 70's,

just because I know she'll laugh at his mullet,

and my heart is full because inside that

no

no

no

girl there's still this.

Winds of change.

Stormy n'easterly winds?

Sounds like a good night for fish and chips at Preston Sands.

The waves were crashing over the sea wall while we ate.

The winds are blowin.

Only two more weeks at home with bebe, and then a-frolicking off to Brainland I go.

I'm sadder than I thought I would be, somehow.

And just for one final celebration...

sweet victory

Well, there are a lot of dangly threads and I'm not sure yet what to do about the buttons and the dreaded buttonholes... which is where I usually mess up all knitting projects...

but...

it's done.

(Pieced together at least.)

(and the knitting is over.)

(provided I don't decided to add some panelling and an extra bit at the bottom.)

Sheesh. That was a long two month project. Thank god it still fits.

oh sweet unravelling

I will not be defeated.

This little hoodie jumper will not defeat me.

I vow it.

I've run out of yarn, and have thusly unravelled both sleeves to add some cream edging, trying to get a few more inches....

so close!

Oh, And This.

lace and flannel

The results are in...

I'm never going to be a world-class sewer. I'm great at envisioning, great at general concept and complete crap at finishing. Buttonholes, binding, zips, hems, ironing seams, etc. Rubbish. That said, here are the crumply, rumply, threads-hanging results of my week of anti-nest energy. It's been a whole lot of fun.

Refashioned surfer shirt from Partner's closet. Now knickers and a summery top. I love this one, partly because it's baggy and comfortable for Bebe, but also because the stripes go one way on the top and the other on the pants. It's the little things that make me laugh. I think she'll wear this for a long time - and it's good for hanging out on the floor, going to the park, or at the beach. Romper wear, with a bit of funkiness to it.

Refashioned peachy-cream skirt. Made from an old top that my mum left with me after their visit. I hated the cut - made me look pregnant again! But it's a lovely little ballerina skirt. Layered over old pillowcase cotton with lace edging. This is too big, but should fit just as she's learning to walk at the end of this year. A great walking-out outfit.

Comfy-shlumpy lazy weekend trousers. Red cotton fully lined with white fleece. Yes, they ended up looking like Santa trousers, but they are HUGE, so they'll still fit at Christmas. Perfect. (Wish I'd planned it.) I want a pair of these, seriously. Fully lined trousers rock. Then add the inner-fleece factor, and it just doesn't get any cosier than that.

Okay, I'm not sure yet if I love this or hate it. Old soft flannel sheet, refashioned into a pair of dungarees. I think I want to make a fully-lined version. What I DO like about it is the zip on the side. The older this baby gets, the more in favour of zippers I am. Faster in a fretting emergency, and generally easier to install from a sewing standpoint... especially given my oh-so-non-finishing persona. I think I like these dungarees. I'm just not sure how fashionable they are. But they do look comfy! She wore them happily all morning, rolling around on the floor. So that bodes well.

One more little stripey skirt. Huge again. Maybe when she's three? The best thing about this is that it has inner attached knickers to match. Should have taken a photo of those too! Soon to come.

Off to do more dungaree mock-ups.

Madness.

The stash dwindles as the chaos in the crafty corner grows.

Anti-Nesting?

I find myself awash in desire to MAKE THINGS, as the 'return to work' date seems to be rushing headlong toward my doorstep. I think it's a kind of anti-nesting... The only nesting impulses I seemed to have in pregnancy were about cleaning and organising, like sorting the tins in the cupboard by type, for god's sake. But now, as I think about my week's hours becoming stress-filled and my to-do lists changing from:

-breakfast

-bath

-nappy

-sew tunic

-read book

-library

to something more like

-read article

-read article

-read article

-race for train

-drop baby at childminder

-race for train

-read article

I am filled with a wave of desperate cram-in-all-that-craftiness mojo that must be fulfilled.

So I've been sitting at the sewing machine for the last three days, churning out (well, honestly, mediocre) projects. And to make matters worse, it's been on our dining table, so we've been eating on the living room floor as a result. Which partner has yet to mention. So either he hasn't noticed or he's frankly pleased about our permanent-picnic situation. Or he's noticed my near-psychosis about the end of maternity leave and has wisely chosen silence as the correct means of support. He's a smart man.

But at any rate, I'm saving all photos.

Why? Because nothing as of yet merits any outside eyes...

I'm sure something will turn out. Eventually. Either that, or I'll post all the god-awful mistakes just for a chuckle.

happy things

Okay, it's been a good weekend.

A good week, all told.

The balance of the universe has been full of joy, the scales have tipped, the moon is waxing, it's all good.

Here are some happy bouncing bean-things...

*Sandra Juto's illustrations, such a smile-to-your-face kind of thing.

*This suit, which will never be worn again, but hooray for baby-suspenders, which WILL be made again... perhaps sans the clown-suit ankle pieces. Experimental no-pattern sewing can result in some seriously laughable outcomes, but I do do do love the the suspenders-on-baby look. Oh yes, it will be repeated.

*Working through this....

The fabric stash is out of control, and thusly, we are 'experimenting' with all kinds of refashioning.

This tired-out man, who's passed his level 2 coaching assessment. So all those hours of paddling over the last three years have finally actualized. Yes, that's him sleeping with his certificate.

*And lastly, these.

Because baby wellies are beyond cute.

Especially when said baby can't yet walk, so they are totally superfluous.

But provoke an 'awwww' anyway, don't they?

A reunion, of sorts

My father took this photo. In Bath, in the square by the Abbey. He took it, without realising that I was in it. On the bench. On the far left. Nursing the baby. Which is a statement both about my father's ability to focus on things past the point of reason (like taking a good photo versus noticing his own daughter's in the shot?) but also on this...

I sat in this square in 2001, on my first trip to England. I was 21, a bit lost, very lonely, and unsure where I was going. This photo captures the 'after' of that series. Sitting on (virtually) the same bench, 8 years later, one teaching degree, one masters degree, one marriage, one baby, and a partial PhD later. Life spins.

I am so much more whole, happy, cynical, content, and willing to be still now. I treasure the really challenging experiences that have brought me here, and I am cognizant that nothing stays still. I think I'll go back to that square in another 10 years or so, just to touch base with myself.

Happy anniversary, womanhood.

The End of August

The outlaws have departed (well, a week ago), and lovely partner has finished his two weeks of much-needed holiday (today is the last day) and Real Life is spiraling towards us, whether we're ready or not.

It was a loverly three weeks with my folks - full of lots of quiet baby play time and escape zones for me and partner to run off like teenagers and be silly. A much-needed break. We camped in Cornwall (yes, it rained) and played on the redsand beaches of home and wandered in the Mumbles and had a posh night in Cardiff... a wonderful blend of home-and-away. And despite the racking cough and respitory infection I've been fighting all week, I've loved every minute of it.

It makes me miss having my parents closer by... this ex-pat business has its down sides, but I also never appreciated them as fully as I do now, so there's something about not taking your loved ones for granted in there.

Baby laughed more, played more, and generally loved every second of being doted upon. Who wouldn't?

The Outlaws

My folks are coming...

The Outlaws approach from across the ocean - which heralds both a great Heart-Joy and also rational fear about the logistics of meshing five lives and schedules and agendas for 3 weeks.  And ultimately, so much of it comes down to chemistry and making things jive in the moment.  

You can't plan it into working...

just float.

In other news, we've just survived a weekend with two 10-year old girls having a campout sleepover in the front garden, and both my partner and I were totally overwhelmed by the realities of kids-in-life.  A baby feels easy-peasy after that!  We have a proper teenager on our hands these days, and it's a real adventure.

In other news, I'm making baby-sit-up pillows.  Using old stuffing from other pillows.  Which may or may not go as planned, but gives me a good task for my hands while waiting for the outlaws to arrive.

duh---dah..... duh---dah... (this is the Jaws theme song).

taking it in

I've got a lot on my mind tonight.

The sun has set over my little town, and I'm looking out my window at the dwindle of the gloaming-time, the magic time.  And I'm all a-wash on the inside with sadness...

Because life just sucks sometimes, and to people who deserve better.  

Just read one of my favourite blogs - the one that got me started as a blogger really - and they just lost their new baby after only 6 hours in the world.  My god, I can't even imagine.  It just makes my heart ache so much for them, and I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and grief for people I've never met face to face.  

And I guess that shock-wave is still registering, but the universe was already a-kilter because I've spent most of the evening being frustrated with my blessed blessed oh-so-precious beautiful wonderful baby, who wouldn't/couldn't fall asleep for hours, and I've been .... frustrated.  With this precious morsel of humanity that I am lucky enough to hang out with and get to spend time with - who's healthy and whole and happy most of the time.  So that was a huge reality check.

And I've received several boxes of sewing supplies... bias tape by the bagful, zippers by the bagful, a whole box of gorgeous dress sewing patterns... you get the idea... and I've inherited it from a friend my Yogi-Mama-in-Laws who passed away last year.  She was wheelchair bound, and used to sew lying on her stomach on her bed because she loved it so much.

So, jeeeezus.

Sometimes the universe just socks you one in the gut and this was it.

Blessed be to babies everywhere, but especially to those little spirits who just visit for a minute and to the hearts of the mamas and papas they leave behind.  May we go gently with each other, and remember our time is oh so precious.

much love out into the gloaming universe tonight.

blessed be.

Seeking a minder

I love that the Brits call them 'childminders'.  It evokes images of Mary Poppins and of severe nannies pushing old fashioned prams through Kensington Park.  

However, that (completely false) stereotype is contrasted against what I actually want, which is a rainbow-clad, crayon-toting, fun, funny, warm, hippie lady who genuinely likes kids,  but especially my kid, and wants to spend lots of time on the floor playing games and making messes.  That's what I want.  

This afternoon is due to be full of phone calls.  Here goes!

On a more positive note, since it's pissing down rain and generally a morose drab kinda day, I include photos from last week and a glorious dusk that fell over Torbay.  

The WIP army

Yes, here they all are...

one to be frogged, one to be slowly completed, and one done.

And I've organised my stash.

So I feel very self-righteous.

sun hat

Oh! I've been looking for ages for a good baby sun-hat pattern, and here it is...

The Purl Bee has it.

Huzzah!

back on the needles

From no knitting...

to three projects in one 24 hour stretch.

Glad to be back in it.

One baby strawberry hat.

One baby troll hat.

One baby jumper... in seed stitch... this one's going more slowly.

Pictures to come!

take hold tightly

let go lightly.

this is one of the secrets to the felicity of love.

-robert orange-

just heard that quote from my audiobook.

this is the passion of the moment.  

knitting and painting to audiobooks.

yes yes and yes.

most of an evening

The compromises of motherhood are sometimes a bit cumbersome... like trying on a jacket that doesn't fit yet, but you slowly grow into the baggy corners.

We went to see an outdoor play last night... they were performing The Three Musketeers at the nearby country park, so after a full week of partner-persuasion and planning, we headed out, picnic under arm, baby in tow. 

She was a star - for most of it.

Which is saying a lot.  She stared at the swordfighting, shouted when the loud noises happened very cutely, and only had to be taken away when she started talking to herself, not even a cry!  

But partner didn't do so well.  He's just not a theatre person, and by the interval I could tell that he was done.  So when we had to leave about 15 minutes before the end - screaming child, silent parent, one mama who wants to see the end - a very rosy happy evening had disintegrated quite substantially.

Sigh.

This whole 'Doing Things as a Unit' is still really unfamiliar territory for me.  We came back to the house and I found myself feeling frustrated, filled with thoughts about how 'If I was on my own, I could have seen the end,' and even as they exploded in my brain, I knew that my life is so much richer and fuller and more whole now that I am a part of this magical circle of people interwoven into each other's lives.  But like Whitman said, 'Do I contradict myself?  Very well then, I contradict myself.  I am large.  I contain multitudes.'  

Part of being a feminist for me is being honest about the frustrations.  

So, in the spirit of Feminism and Honest Mamahood,

I would have loved to have seen the whole play last night.  And, I would be happier if my partner loved theatre with the same heart-joy that I do.  But, I am so joyful and grateful to be here, in my own shoes, toting along two pounds of baby kit just to go for a picnic in the park, instead of strolling along by myself to such an event. 

Thank you universe, for the lessons I'm getting this year.  

It's a slow learning curve, but I'll get there.  

Bad Penny

These are from the current project: Alphabet Book. It can't be finished until I order more printer ink, so posting it makes me feel like I've accomplished something on it. A myth.

And now? A bitch-fest.

It's just been One of Those Mornings.

Baby rolled herself off our bed while we were making coffee. Bam. Screaming ensues.
Baby knocked over coffee, spilling some onto herself about 20 minutes later. Bam. Changing ensues.
Two stains on rug won't disappear. Bam. Frustration ensues.
Now, am procrastinating all the things I should really be doing, just to be able to actually drink the cup of coffee that's so badly needed by this point. Bamitty-bam-bam.

Sigh. I just feel like whining like a pubescent schoolboy, but instead am going to move in a slow forwardly direction, inching toward a slightly better outlook by 2 PM. I hope.

Today is Baby Play Group, so soon we'll be soldiering into the hiking backpack (for the first time!) and setting off through the forest, down the Alpine hill that we live on, and to the baby centre to hang out with a bunch of mummies who are all about 10 years younger and have completely different outlooks and world views. (Okay, I lied. Still whining.)

On Monday of this week, I took the buggy to the library to go to Rhythm and Rhyme class... which little Buddha-Child loved to pieces. However, on the way home, I decided to take a 'Short Cut', which always spells bad news to this directionally challenged soul, and ended up pushing the Decided Not-4 by 4 capacity buggy up the hill through the woodland trail, instead of on the road. It was ridiculous. Only my stubborn never-say-die soul got us up that hill. But I think the baby learned some new words that day. Hopefully there were no witnesses.

This is all part of my current Let's get Out More plan. The broken elbow really put a crimp in our style last month, and since it followed on the heels of the move, we haven't been out properly exploring our new neighbourhood. Thusly? This is the month o' exploration, I've declared.

Onward ho!

she wakes

The bebe, after a full day of crafty-painty-bakey-cleany taskiness, has decided to freak out just as we were headed out for a ramble up in the forest, so she went down for a much-needed nap, while I settled in to study up on embroidery stitches.  Ha.  okay, just regular stitches that I should have learned a long time ago but haven't.  Blanket stitch is neat, incidentally.

So in a snatched moment, because she's already woken and blinking dazedly around on my bed, I'm doing a bit of quick-typing, cause that way I feel productive like 'something got done' today, even though the sweeping-soaping-painting-tidying-folding that's been happening all morning IS something, and don't let that big ole patriarchal world out there tell you otherwise, womanhood.  

Tis true.  Even a righteously confirmed feminista can begin to feel a bit, well, worthless, when all of her daily, weekly, monthly tasks at present are domestic, and therefore undervalued by society.  Garh.  The injustices of self-demeaning are a complex layer cake.  

On a more jovial note?

I spent the 4th of July in the United Kingdom, living this life I've found myself in.  We took the ferry to Dartmouth.  It was the kind of day where the sun shines all day, even though the forecast called for solid rain.  You know that kind of day...

We explored Dartmouth castle and walked the beach at Slapton Ley, where the US troops trained for the D-Day landings.  Lots of beautiful rocks.  It was a lovely family day, just the three of us, and I loved every second of it.  

Hands

Home Again

I'm back. Two weeks in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, visiting family and seeing Good Old Friends, who've all been breeding and thusly have a preponderence of small children growing up at an alarming rate. So it was mostly a my-baby-meets-your-baby kind of visit, with a baseball fixation thrown in for good measure.

God, I miss baseball. I miss the slounging on the sofa, do-nothing but talk bullshit all afternoon baseball mindset. It's not possible to explain this to the Brits in my life - they don't understand.

It was a lovely visit. I wish it had been a week longer, and then I would have had time to get sick of everyone, have a good squabbling fight with my mother and generally feel like returning to the UK. As it was, it never left the Honeymoon stage, and so now I'm back in my real life, feeling like American Life is this nostalgic, warm, family-filled summer fest o' lovin. Which, is of course, a myth.

But my real life isn't bad at present either. Soutwest England is having a heat wave, the ocean is calling every day, baby has learned to feed herself crackers and smiles beautifically upon everything, and partner missed us and is consequently very attentive at present. Lovely.

No crafting at present. I did a painting yesterday, but more important are the pictures of This American Life visit. Now I just have to bounce back from the jet laggyness, and all will be well. More coffee is the answer for now.

taking stock

Getting ready to fly to the states for two weeks, with one 6-month old infant, her buggy, and some baby food is a lot more complicated than moving my entire life to the UK as a single independent woman. Funny that.

Life is rolling. My best friend is going back to Canada, perhaps indefinitely. This is a sad thing.

My craft table is covered with unfinished gifts for family and friends in the states. This is a frustrating thing.

My baby has learned how to make really annoying moaning noises this week. This is a funny thing. Why? Because we have a 12-hour flight next week.

Keep breathing. That's the mantra of the moment.

Ex-pat Woes

Last week we got back from London, where we managed to file all the 57 million pieces of paperwork necessary to get Baby her US passport, hopefully just in time for us to fly to see the grandparents in June. Super stressful, lots of queueing, (god, that word has too many u's and e's), and ultimately surprisingly disorganised at the American Embassy.

So that was good. But, in the usual way of the universe balancing itself out, this week has been a blow. My best friend, a Canadian, has had her visa application denied, after three waves of trying to get it processed in the new system. Sigh. She's brilliant - educated, smart, funny, kind, works with battered women at a shelter, and is just exactly the kind of person that the UK should want to keep around. But these are tight and worried times, I guess.

It sounds like she might be flying home sooner than soon, which just breaks my heart. Hopefully we'll get to see her this weekend. Fingers crossed. I don't have any cute pictures for this one. Although baby laughter helps everything. So imagine some of that...

Baking Day

I had big goals this morning...
We were going to walk into town, go shopping for gifts for everyone's birthdays - why do birthdays come in clumps like that? How can everyone, from myself, my partner, my father, my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, etc, how can they ALL be Geminis? I wonder what that means? Anyway, the plans weren't extravagant, or even exciting.

But they didn't happen. (You felt that coming, didn't you?)

As with many things baby-related, I'm just not sure why they didn't happen. One hour-long feed bled into a 45 minute cry-fest, which led to me getting dressed about, oh, six hours later than a normal human being might.

The result? By 2:00, we'd managed to move from the bed to the sofa to the kitchen, but most definitely not to the buggy and certainly not outside the door and into town. Ha.

Which was when I gave up on any grandiose plans like oh, seeing other people, and just popped up to the local shop for some baking supplies.

Which brings me to my point. I love my local shop. I love that I know the names of the workers, that I walk up a snowdrop-laced alleyway to get there, that the aisles are so narrow I can't fit the buggy through them. I love that everything's hand-priced with a sticker gun, and that some things are way cheaper than the big market grocery stores and some things way more expensive, as if it's all a game that they play in the back room,

'White bread? Let's say, £3.'
'Washing up liquid? Is 10 p too much?'

Love it. Love the randomness, the eclectic shelves, which take me twice as long to find ingredients as a normal store might, and the fact that little old ladies seem to come out of the woodwork in an eerie sort of way when you walk through there with a baby.

So back we came,
and baked honey-beer bread
and chocolate chip cookies (two batches)
and applesauce.

And now baby is a-bouncing in her doorway bouncer, and my house smells of bread and applesauce and cookies, and it doesn't matter that I got thrown-up on about 3 times today, or that things were so frustrating this morning.

It's all about saying yes, in the end. Whatever the question was.

a good moon rising

well, sometimes when it's all looking dismal, random bits o' good news feel like gifts from the gods.

i got a quiet little email today saying that my teaching license is renewed...

which I thought was impossible, given that i've done my academic work internationally.

but there you go.

the most notoriously difficult, red-taped-laced bureaucratic nonsense organisation on earth has actually made a rational decision for once.

and i get a license until 2012. which i won't use, but that's beside the point.

small miracles grace me today.

that,
and i made potatoes au gratin with green beans for me and bebe and the sun set over the bay with glorious pink-golden light and my life is good.

only 9 days until i get my left arm back... even better.

There's a new toy in our house,
and
she loves it,
but not as much as i do!